How did writing about my experiences make me feel?

This is a question I am asked a lot lately. How did writing about my children and their prematurity make me feel? Especially in the case of Cory, who’s story involved me reliving his short, tragic life again, and in so much detail. The truth is, that I felt a whole mixture of emotions. Of course it was deeply upsetting, and I had to stop writing on a number of occasions as I literally felt sick to the pit of my stomach. I have spoken about the experience briefly many times in the past, but it has always been like reading from a script. I had never even allowed myself to think about it in that much detail. This was another reason I took so long to actually start the book. I knew it was going to be challenging, and I wasn’t sure I could write it without sending myself into a deep depression, I had lived through those dark, bleak days once before, why on earth would I want to relive them? I’ve talked myself out of writing it for so many years, but upon finishing the first draft of Cory’s part, the sense of relief and pride made writing it worth every single second of extra heartache. I wanted to do this for him and I have, that in itself makes me want to burst with pride. I feel closer to him and his memory than I have ever been and that gives me a huge sense of comfort. Whether 30 people read my book or 3000, I have still done what I set out to do. The fact that I can also possibly use my story to help raise awareness, understanding and even give parents some comfort as they struggle through the hardest thing they will ever have to go through, is an amazing added bonus. The more people I can reach, the happier and prouder I feel. I have nothing to offer other than my innermost thoughts and feelings as I travelled my long and difficult journey, written in an open and no holds barred way. I really hope I give a true and honest reflection of what it is like to be a parent faced with the difficulties of premature birth, baby loss and disability. That any parent will see parts of their own lives, experiences and feelings somewhere within my varied accounts of premature birth outcomes, even if they have never personally travelled those roads themselves. I reach out to every single mother and father who dreamt of the birth and development of their child, then watched as nothing at all went to plan, no matter what stage of pregnancy. Writing my story helped me tremendously, its a heart warming feeling that by sharing I could be helping others too.

So my answer to the question would be, that the process of writing and having to feel those emotions I have spent so long avoiding was much more difficult than I could ever have imagined, yet at the same time so very very rewarding. It has definitely been a form of therapy for me personally and the sense of achievement it has given me is second to none. For every person I discover has read my book, I pray that they got something from it whether its that comfort I intended, or the knowledge and insight into an unknown world. I have been lucky enough to receive some amazing reviews which help me keep the faith and believe that I am on the right track.I also thank them personally for allowing my special little family into their life.

This brings me to my next difficulty, people are quick to tell me how strong I am, and how brave what I have done is. Don’t get me wrong, it is lovely to hear and touches me immensely, but it makes me feel like a fraud. I have never felt brave or strong in the slightest. I was just a young girl thrust into this life of highs and lows, a life where having a child wasn’t just as simple as getting pregnant, something that millions of people have also had to deal with. As far as I am concerned, the only difference is that I have chosen to write about it. I didn’t choose any of it, I never guessed my life would pan out this way, it just did. I am part of a large group of people who had no choice but to survive and this drives me to share my story and maybe even give parents facing similar situations to my own, some hope, and make them feel less alone on their journey. As well as educate people who would otherwise have no real insight into the issues I address. Overall I have ultimately done this for my children. They now have a permanent record of where they came from, what they have faced along the way, themselves as well as as a family. Something they will be able to share with their own families and future generations. The written word will be round much longer than any of us could dream, and as long as its being read then none of us will ever really die. I have given my children that gift, as they gave me the gift of blessing my life, making the roller coaster ride prematurity takes you on, worth staying on,no matter how frightening it gets. I don’t feel brave, or very strong at all.

For more information on my book which is now available on amazon kindle and due in paperback next month then please visit my website at www.vickyherbert.org.uk and join my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Vicky-herbert/629084217126550